In each of our content courses we have to write three short papers. While other classes have set topics, our business course is still in its experimental phase, and so we were allowed to choose our topic. We'd just had a major miscommunication with our professor regarding our midterms, and I decided I would incorporate how I felt about the situation within the paper. A colleague of our professor came and spoke on conflict resolution, and I used this as my platform. I figured I'd include it in the blog.
Managing Conflict in Business and in Life
Birgit Permantier came and taught us about conflict management. She gave us many important tips and pointers, as well as an overview of how conflict management plays its role in an individual’s life. Each and every person comes from a different background as it relates to conflict resolution. Mrs. Permantier shared how she had grown up in a home where her parents did not fight at all. For a short period of time they started fighting, and soon later were divorced. She learned from this that conflict is not a good thing, and should be avoided, lest it ruin the relationship. I grew up in a home where conflict management was very important. My father was a professional counselor, so his children were taught from an early age to work through conflict. Within our family, this strategy worked out very well. We learned the importance of working through issues as opposed to avoiding them. Growing up and going out into the real world, I found that this was not at all the norm. In fact, many of my friends would see my attempts to work through an issue with them as “overanalyzing” or being “oversensitive.” This caused me great distress, as the skill set I had been given and taught to utilize was actually seen by my friends as a negative quality in my personality! I found myself reverting to passive aggressive tactics. For instance, instead of sharing how I felt hurt and seeking to resolve a conflict with one who had hurt me, I would simply make a sharp cut back at them, letting them know what they’d done or said to me was not alright with me. This was not optimal, but it felt “safer”.
In life I find it important to examine one’s own way of doing things and the ways others do things to see what works best. I have a friend in the program who had some friends come stay with her. She was very excited to see them, and thus very hurt and crushed when it turned out they were only interested in staying with her a few days of their week long trip. Instead of staying with her like planned, they wanted to travel throughout Germany. Instead of bringing up the issue with them, she “rolled with it” and kept her hurt to herself. I was there to observe the few days they stayed with her, and the time was filled with impatience and bubbling resentment. It was a great learning experience for me, as I was able to see and confirm that my original way of doing things, being sure to work through things with those I am at odds with, is indeed the best way to deal with conflict. While I may be seen as “overanalyzing” by others who have not learned the skill set of conflict management, I am happier and better adjusted when using such tools.
Another example of how conflict resolution proves to be the best way of dealing with things can be found in our very own classroom. A few weeks ago a conflict arose regarding our midterm exams that I understood to be a mixture of misunderstanding, cultural differences, and flat-out poor choices. Our teacher was greatly affected and brought the issue to the class for us all to discuss as adults. I did my best to bring about as much understanding as my part was concerned, but found I could not speak for others. What baffled me was that the very people who had the most to explain, clarify, and/or apologize for kept their mouths shut. While Michaela and I did our best to carry the load, the rest of the class stared at the teacher like silent sheep. I felt resentful and frustrated with the rest of the class, but decided not to voice this, as I discerned it would just cloud the issue. In this situation I was able to use my conflict management skills to hear from the teacher how he would like me to improve, to make my writing more legible and to spend more of the allotted time on my essay. While these two factors are not the most focused upon in America, each teacher has his or her own teaching style and expectations, and it is my required task to perform to these expectations. I find it a shame that those who could benefit most from resolution and learning from the situation in class seemingly chose not to use this skill set and reap the resulting benefits. This entire situation was further confirmation of how conflict resolution proves the better choice.
I see the relational destruction caused by holding back hurt. I see the opportunities and advantages missed when the decision is made to keep quiet. I see the type of friends, rare but invaluable, who are attracted by my style of resolution. For all of these reasons, I choose to continue to “overanalyze” and be “oversensitive.”
