I am that man.

Today I stayed home from school, sick. I had a test yesterday and so forced through the sickness and went to school. I made it through the whole day, at my own detriment. I am still learning how to take care of myself. Not that I did it wrong and directly hurt myself needlessly, more so that I’m still figuring it out. While the test was important to show up for, today’s class wasn’t as much so. Whether or not I needed to stay the whole day yesterday, therein lies the grey that I am still figuring out. This applies to more than just being sick. I am still learning to navigate what I need to show up for and what I can hold back from. I find that I struggle often to figure out what battles I should fight and which ones I can let pass me. Last night our business teacher, the same one who flipped out at us due to a major cultural miscommunication, took us out to a very fancy Italian dinner. It was a pleasant time. Side note-*My next entry will be the short paper I wrote in the wake of the debacle in class over our exams. While it doesn’t explain everything explicitly, it does give my stance on things, and since it is being turned in to the teacher, I think it was done fairly diplomatically, all within the context of our third short paper, on which I wrote about conflict resolution*.

The pasta dish that we all shared. Hadn't had authentic italian in awhile and it tasted amazing!


Getting back to my story, by the time the dinner was over, I had pushed myself through the entire day and I felt miserable. My head felt like a balloon full of cement. We were heading back with the S-Bahn, and as we got onto the platform, I misread one of the screens as “Sudkreuz” when it really said “Westkreuz”. I shouted out “this is our train guys!” and it took a moment of confusion and getting half onto the train for us to realize my mistake. One of my friends made the comment “what a *$%# moron”. Normally I let these things roll off my back best I can. This night I had significantly less patience. I used very strong language dismissing what she'd said, and walked away. While part of it was just my angry reaction, I’d also responded to a challenge that I hadn’t needed to. I could have chosen to let her words pass me. Instead, I viewed her words as a direct attack on my intelligence and character. I took the bait, making myself out to be just as foolish and immature as she in that moment. Clearly I have a ways to go in the area of letting things pass me by instead of taking them on.
I was talking with another friend who struggles to accept that she needs grace. She splits the dichotomy between those who murder and rape and those who are ‘good people’. In her mind, those who commit such atrocities deserve no grace, and those who abstain from such crimes need no grace. Thank God that such dichotomy does not exist. Grace is needed by all and none are beyond its reach. I am that murderer. I am that rapist. I am that impatient broken man with the cutting tongue. I am that one that’s loved by a Love that makes a difference, and extends the saving grace I so desperately need.