12.1.09 (dated this way until I catch up)

12.1.09 What a day. Exhausting. This entry isn’t for my readers, it’s for me. I need to process all that went on today. So if humorless, forgive me. I finally fell asleep about 3 hours before having to get up, and had to run off that. I got to BrentanostraBe about an hour early, hoping to get a few things done before starting class. I realized the night prior that I felt very nervous and hesitant about the following beginning of classes and my placement in German class. I got there early and was able to take the last open spot in the architecture in Berlin class, one of the two I was trying to decide between for my third class. ( I chose it over the art history course). This gave me my business class, my transatlantic relations class, and architecture. What was cool was, later in the day I saw that two people had dropped the ‘Berlin; history, literature, memory’ course, and only one person had picked up the vacated seat, so I hopped in just in time! This means I ended up with my original first pick (business), my original second pick (Berlin), and my newly added architecture class. I chose to drop the transatlantic relations course, but was advised to attend the session just in case the transfer did not go through (the kids dropping the course I wanted to get into hadn’t actually dropped it, etc.), so I attended the already dropped class anyway. It was very fascinating and taught by a very experienced retired German diplomat who has been assigned all over the world, including Tel Aviv, Ireland, other places, and lastly Las Angeles. I enjoyed his first lecture, and was half sad to have to leave a class that would have taught me so much. I was not, though, willing to take 18 credits, and so chose the Berlin course over that one. I get ahead of myself though, that class, like all the other content courses, was held in the afternoon (and also the evening, the content courses that is). At a later time I will write about my amazing business class that I had this evening. At the moment, I will back up to the morning. That was the really difficult part. As I expected, we were given an examination for placement within German. I just finished German Intermediate I and was really hoping to do well enough to be placed in Intermediate II. They started us off by asking us to write an open essay in German, and while we were writing that they called us out one by one to do interviews. During my interview I felt rusty, foggy, and misrepresentative of my skill level. Since I was called out of the room halfway through writing my essay, I returned once my interview was over and wrote about how I feared that my interview hadn’t gone as well as I would have liked, and how I feared being placed back in Intermediate I again. Kenny, a fellow Gator and friend of mine, reassured me that I was much better than he, surely at least 2 levels above, and that since he was most likely going into beginning III, he was fairly positive I would get into Intermediate II. I got into Intermediate I. So did Kenny. Logic time. My undergrad advisor already told me if this were to happen I would most likely still get credit for the “repeated” Intermediate course, on account of the different and more rigorous program in Germany. Logic. I can use this to get a firm grasp of the first half of the semester before testing up and moving on to Intermediate II (double course German semester, remember?). Logic. The course surely is different than the one I took, and I won’t be stuck relearning all the same things. Emotion. Failure. Emotion. Goal set, worked towards, mark missed. I could not explain away or rationalize myself out of feeling despondent. I had to listen to and comfort the part of me that was hearing I didn’t do good enough. No, that’s not quite it. My voices line up with “I was not good enough.” Identity mixed in rather than objective action. I will take the appropriate action tomorrow morning. I will go in tomorrow and start Intermediate I with my head held high. I will take the appropriate action for tonight as well. I will remind myself of the truth, that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.